So today I woke up and felt like such a downer. Probably because I woke up at 11 am. You see I am the type of person that likes to get up early, work out, eat a healthy breakfast, then stay busy all day. Thats just how I like things. I like to be busy and productive. I feel so much better. I feel like im not a waste in the life I was given. I seem to be more spiritual, my scripture reading is better, im happier, im nicer, and I just feel better. Well I graduated from College Town, and moved up here. I have been trying to find a job, but the 2 places I have been looking at wont hire for a couple of weeks I get to bed late because I cant sleep. Seriously I dont go to sleep until 3 am. Because my mind just races and races and I cant sleep. Then I get up at 11 am and by then my morning is shot. I dont work, so I dont do anything except for sit on my butt. Then my friends get home and we can play. But seriously? I'm home all day. I try to fill my day up with cleaning(pretty sure i could eat soup out of the toilet because I clean it so many times), laundry, texting friends, just blah. Not that any of those things are bad. But I just feel so crappy about my self. Im not even doing anything wrong. I just went from busy busy busy to nothing. Now I can somewhat understand my Missionary friends that get back from their mission and feel crappy. I hate when this happens because I feel like im not myself. Like how the last time I said a cuss word was in 8th grade. Now I say hell alot, and I flip peole off when they make me mad. WHAT?! That is NOT ME. I know to some saying hell is not a bad thing. And thats fine if you do i will not judge you. I just dont have those things come out of my mouth, and they are. ugh.
So this morning I posted "wow i rock at life. good job ash". When Shelby(i freaken love this girl). said "sarcasm leaves scars". Which is so true. Im sure I didnt leave a scar on anyone from that post. But I know when I say things like that it leaves "scars" on me. Im not wanting this to be a pitty party or have people say "everything will work out" because I know they will. I just needed to write this all out, and get it out of my system. Im going to be making some goals for myself so I can start feeling better. But as for this moment in time. I could cry. But I wont because I hate crying.